“I never really knew you
You were just another friend
But when I got to know you
I let my heart unbend
I couldn’t help past memories
That would only make me cry
I had to forget my first love
And give it another try
So I’ve fallen in love with you
And I’ll never let you go
I love you more than anyone
I just had to let you know
My feelings for you will never change
Just know my feelings are true
Just remember this one thing
I will always love you”
By me, please do not steal it.
When they ask me about you, I’ll tell them I know what it feels like to fly,how it feels to watch the clouds make space for you and your wings, and how I found your smile in the sun and I saw your eyes in the stars, how the wind carried the scent of your favorite cologne, I’ll tell them you were my sky.
I’ll tell them how you changed from hues of pink after your face flushed red from laughing too hard, to shades of mahogany after you woke up glowing, how you looked like twelve in the afternoon but carried the adventure of midnight in your pocket.
I’ll tell them how I lived in the center of your universe, reality was just a figment of my imagination. I couldn’t tell if you existed or was just a hallucination, and how I didn’t care. I was floating in space and not even gravity could weigh me down. Nothing mattered, I knew how to fly.
They’ll ask me how I fell, and I’ll tell them how sometimes the moon and sun align and it will melt your core until you’re on fire. I loved you like planets collide, some survive while other times they break, and pieces get lost and some crash, and cannot survive the terminal effect.
Sometimes the sky can be so cancerous. And I did not mean to let my wings let me soar until I became an asteroid. Some scientists say it is inevitable for the sun to burn out but we will not live to witness it. Sometimes they lie. Sometimes things just don’t last and we watch it die in front of our eyes.
A few years ago I looked at people’s eyes to see tears that caused me to frown. I asked myself, why everyone has something that bothers them and not me. Why do I always have to smile? I want something to care about and hurt me because I do.
But now that I do, I feel like god heard me too quickly and instead of having one thing I got so many that cause my tears to blow down a lot more often than I thought it was possible. I never knew I was that fragile. I never realized I was sensitive. I just wish now that my pain goes away and I’d finally win having my smile that I lost back. I want the life i had and the life I didn’t like. The life I hoped to get ride of, I want it back.
If I could do anything to go back a few years when I used to be all happy and smiling all time, I wouldn’t waste anytime thinking about it. I would go back and forget about it all.
Does it drown in the voices in your head?
I mean who i am to you? Pick someone else instead!
Is it even worth it anymore?
It’s different this time you need more.
You are my first
And that’s why it hurts
And here i am again
Letting you make me insane.
I thought we’ll be together but we’re separated now
And never thought we’ll be strangers now
All the love in me turned to hate somehow
And all i am asking is why and how.
All i wanted was arms to rescue me
But I realized and now all i see
That fire burs and don’t cry
Baby it is never gonna die.
I wish you were here
I wish you could kill my fear
All i wanted was to have you near
But now i see it all clear
You weren’t just a star to me you were my whole sky. Remember when you told me everyone has scars that they don’t want to shows? You draw a scar in my heart and its hard not to show because to hide it, I need to stop breathing. I need to die. You said you were here, living with me and won’t leave me forever.
When I almost died you throw me back in this hell, telling me you will be with me. Where are you? With me? Bullshit! I’m alone. Its 4am and I’m here sitting where you usually sit and you are no where to be found. Because you are dead. And I’m alone. You aren’t with me. You left me. You lied to me and told me you live in my heart when my heart is bleeding itself because it feels empty because of your absence in my life. I’m sitting here and I want to feel your warm hugs. I want to cry silently in your arms again and tell you how much of fucked things happened to me today. How many times I fucked and how many people hates me and you caress my hair with your fingers and play with it and say that its okay we all make mistakes. Tell me that they hate me because you are blocking their wrong ways with your right ones. Tell me that not everyone hates me, that you love me and will always do. But now your absent is the reason of my tears which only you were able to stop with a small smile of yours.
Everyone says that your death is killing me but I hope it really was killing me because I want to see you again. I want to die. I never realized that after I felt so confident, feeling so great about myself, feeling as if nothing is ever going to happen to you as long as I’m still breathing and alive, I’d feel that I wished I never met you because I am the reason of what just happened to you. If I wasn’t what I was or never met that guy nothing would have happened to you. When its all over it just all come back as flashes but just to me, you never do. The second I saw you I just… Felt as if I just lost my balance but now! I don’t know if I will ever feel that way again. I don’t know if I even should. If I will ever look at someone else’s eyes and not see yours looking into mine. How can the devil put me in an angel way like you to someone so evil, careless and can’t protect you like myself. Maybe you knew that when you saw me. I just guess that the worst part in it all is not loosing you, it’s loosing my soul with you.
Everyone of my family is telling me to thank god I didn’t die with you. Should I really thank god for keeping me here alone to suffer without you? Should I be happy that I survived or hate myself for so many things. So many things that can make me just give up already. Be sad because your death or be sad because I couldn’t save you or be sad because I will make my family problems with yours and deal with their hate caused by your death but really they all lead to your death which is all my fault.
-This is a part of my book on wattpad called “Flatline”